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Choosing a Guardian for Your Children (The Hardest Decision)

12 min11 Jan 2026

Choosing a Guardian for Your Children (The Hardest Decision)

This is the decision most parents avoid. It's uncomfortable to think about. It feels impossible to choose. So we don't.

But not choosing is a choice. It's choosing to let a judge who has never met your children decide who raises them. It's choosing potential family conflict. It's choosing to leave your children's future to chance.

62% of UK parents with children under 18 don't have a will. That means 62% of parents haven't legally named guardians. For most of them, it's not about the time or cost of making a will. It's about this one decision being too hard.

This guide will help you work through it. Not to make it easy - it won't be - but to make it manageable.

Table of Contents

Why This Decision Matters {#why-it-matters}

There are approximately 3,000 orphaned children in the UK each year - children who lose both parents. Most of these cases are not dramatic accidents. They're illness, car crashes, ordinary tragedies that affect ordinary families.

For these children, what happens next depends entirely on whether their parents planned ahead.

With a Will Naming Guardians

  • The named guardians are notified
  • They can immediately begin caring for the children (often they already are)
  • The court almost always confirms the parents' choice
  • The transition, while still traumatic, has structure and certainty

Without a Will

  • Family members may disagree about who should take the children
  • Multiple people might apply to the court
  • The court holds hearings, appoints social workers, evaluates options
  • Strangers make decisions about your children based on applications and assessments
  • The process takes months during which children may be in temporary care
  • The outcome may not be what you would have wanted

What Happens If You Don't Choose {#no-choice}

If both parents with parental responsibility die without naming guardians:

Immediate Response

  • Children may go to whichever family member is available
  • Social services may become involved
  • Temporary fostering arrangements might be needed

Court Process

  • Someone (family member, friend, or local authority) applies for a Child Arrangements Order
  • Multiple people may apply, creating conflict
  • The court considers:
    • The child's wishes (if old enough)
    • Their physical, emotional, and educational needs
    • The likely effect of any change
    • Age, sex, background, and characteristics
    • Any harm suffered or at risk
    • Capability of parents/guardians
    • Range of powers available to the court

The Decision

A judge - who has never met your children, who doesn't know your values, who is working from paperwork and assessments - decides who raises them.

Timeline

This process takes months. Sometimes longer if there are disputes. During this time, your children are in limbo.

Who Can Be a Guardian {#who-can-be}

Legal Requirements

The requirements are minimal:

  • Must be 18 or older
  • Must have mental capacity

Who Typically Gets Named

  • Siblings (your brother or sister)
  • Parents (grandparents to your children)
  • Other close relatives (aunts, uncles)
  • Close friends
  • Godparents (but remember, no automatic legal status)

Who Cannot Be Guardian

  • The surviving parent with parental responsibility is not a guardian - they're still the parent
  • Anyone under 18
  • Anyone who lacks mental capacity

Joint Guardians

You can name:

  • A couple together (they act jointly)
  • Two individuals separately (they must work together)
  • One person with backup(s)

Questions to Ask Yourself {#questions}

This is the framework for thinking through your choice. No one will score perfectly. You're looking for the best overall fit.

Practical Considerations {#practical}

Beyond values and relationships, consider these practical factors:

Housing

  • Do they have space for additional children?
  • Would they need to move?
  • Is their home in an area where your children could thrive?

Financial

  • Can they afford additional children?
  • Would your life insurance/estate help offset costs?
  • Would you want to set up a trust to provide for your children's expenses?

Family Composition

  • Do they have children of similar ages? (Can be positive or challenging)
  • Are they a couple or single? (Both can work well)
  • Would your children become the oldest, youngest, or middle?

Age

  • Too young: might lack stability, life experience
  • Too old: might struggle with energy, may not live long enough
  • Sweet spot: typically 30s-50s

Location

  • Same area: less disruption, existing friends and schools
  • Different area: might mean better schools, safer environment
  • Abroad: significant upheaval, legal complexity

Career and Flexibility

  • Could they handle school runs, sick days, parent evenings?
  • Do they have flexible jobs or support systems?

The Conversation {#conversation}

You cannot name someone as guardian without asking them. It's not legally required, but it's practically essential.

When to Have It

  • After you've thought through your choice but before writing your will
  • In person, not by text or phone
  • When you have time for a proper discussion
  • When they're not stressed or distracted

What to Cover

Explain why you're asking them:

"We're making our wills and we need to name guardians for the kids. We've thought about it a lot, and you're who we'd want to raise them if something happened to us."

Be clear about what it means:

"It would mean becoming their parent. Making all the decisions - school, health, day-to-day life. It's a huge commitment."

Give them permission to say no:

"We completely understand if this isn't something you can take on. It's a big ask. Please be honest with us."

Discuss practicalities:

"We'd set up life insurance to help with costs. And we'd write a letter explaining how we'd like things handled."

Answer their questions: They'll probably want to know about finances, timing, other family dynamics, and what you'd expect.

If They Say No

This is okay. Thank them for being honest. Ask someone else. A reluctant guardian is not a good guardian.

If They Say Yes

Make it official. Put it in your will. Tell other family members (to avoid surprises and conflicts later). Review it periodically.

Backup Guardians {#backup}

Always name backup guardians. Your first choice might:

  • Die before you
  • Become unable to act through illness
  • Have circumstances change (divorce, financial difficulties, move abroad)
  • Decide they can no longer take on the role

Structure

"I appoint JANE SMITH and JOHN SMITH to be the guardians of my minor children. If they are unable or unwilling to act, I appoint SARAH BROWN to be guardian."

Who to Name as Backup

  • Different generation (if your first choice is a sibling, consider a friend or parent)
  • Different circumstances (not the same couple)
  • Someone you'd genuinely be comfortable with, not a distant third choice

Keeping Siblings Together {#siblings}

Most parents want their children to stay together. Losing parents is traumatic enough without also losing siblings.

How to Address This

You can express in your will that you want your children raised together:

"It is my wish that my children be raised together in the same household."

Or in your letter of wishes:

"We want our children to remain together. We believe they will support each other through their grief and benefit from maintaining their sibling relationships."

What If It's Not Possible?

Sometimes one guardian can't take all children:

  • Space constraints
  • Children have very different needs
  • Children are different ages with different requirements

In such cases, consider:

  • Different guardians for different children (specify clearly)
  • Arrangements for regular contact between siblings
  • Review as circumstances change

Blended Families {#blended}

If you have stepchildren, children from different relationships, or complex family structures, guardian planning is more complicated.

Stepchildren

  • You can only appoint guardians for children where you have parental responsibility
  • You cannot appoint guardians for your stepchildren unless you've adopted them
  • Your partner needs to name guardians for their biological/adopted children in their own will

Children from Different Relationships

  • Both biological parents have parental responsibility (usually)
  • If you die, the other biological parent typically takes over - not your current partner
  • Your guardianship appointment only takes effect if both biological parents die
  • Consider what happens in each scenario

Recommended Approach

  1. Each parent makes their own will
  2. Discuss with all relevant parties
  3. Consider what happens in every possible scenario
  4. Name guardians only for children you have parental responsibility for
  5. Use letters of wishes to explain complex situations

Godparents and Their (Non)Role {#godparents}

A very common misconception: godparents do not have any legal status regarding guardianship.

What Godparents Are

  • A religious or personal role
  • Someone you've chosen to be involved in your child's upbringing
  • A moral and spiritual guide (traditionally)
  • A special adult in your child's life

What Godparents Are Not

  • Legal guardians
  • Automatic carers if parents die
  • Holders of any legal rights to your children

If You Want Your Godparent to Be Guardian

You must name them specifically in your will as guardian. Being a godparent means nothing legally.

"I appoint EMMA JONES, who is also godmother to my children, to be their guardian."

Many parents choose godparents as guardians. But many don't - the role of godparent and the role of guardian require different qualities.

Letter of Wishes {#letter-of-wishes}

A letter of wishes is an informal document that accompanies your will. It's not legally binding but provides guidance to guardians.

What to Include

Your parenting philosophy:

  • How you approach discipline
  • Your views on screen time, diet, activities
  • What matters to you in education

Your children's personalities and needs:

  • Individual quirks and preferences
  • Medical information
  • Emotional needs
  • Special routines

Relationship guidance:

  • How you want them to stay connected to wider family
  • Relationships you'd like maintained
  • Any people you'd want kept at a distance

Practical information:

  • School preferences
  • Hobbies and interests
  • Religious or cultural practices

Financial guidance:

  • How you'd like money spent on them
  • Education funding preferences
  • When they should receive larger sums

Your wishes and hopes:

  • What you'd want them to know about you
  • Messages for different life stages
  • Values you'd want instilled

Why It Matters

Your will is a legal document that names guardians. A letter of wishes explains how you'd want them to exercise that role. It's the difference between appointing someone and guiding them.

Keeping It Updated

Review your letter of wishes annually or when circumstances change. Unlike your will, it doesn't need formal signing or witnessing.

Frequently Asked Questions {#faq}

Key Takeaways

  • Your will is the only way to legally name guardians for your children
  • Godparents have no legal status - they won't automatically become guardians
  • Ask before naming - guardians must agree to the role
  • Name backups - first choices might not be able to act
  • Consider values, capacity, and practicality - there's no perfect choice
  • Write a letter of wishes - guide your guardians on how to raise your children
  • Review regularly - circumstances change

Next Steps {#next-steps}

Last updated: January 2026. This guide is for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Seek professional advice for complex family situations.

Last updated: 11 January 2026